ATLANTA, GA
According to a new report by the Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, four out of five Atlanta buildings are now at risk of becoming theme bars. This year saw the largest uptick in arcades, churches, and even dog parks that have been converted into bars based on the former location, according to the report.
“If it could happen here, it could happen anywhere. Nobody is safe,” said Mark Brown, owner of a small business recently converted into a theme bar. “This used to be just a normal community gym. Now it is The Gym.”
Mark explained how his gym on Edgewood Avenue was slowly converted into a gym-themed bar. “See those workout benches? People used to do bench presses there. Now they sit on them and sip on The Bench Press, apparently our signature cocktail. If you come in and ask for a membership, you will get A Membership, which is Gatorade and vodka on the rocks. It’s so confusing!”
“It started with people demanding we play indie music. Then they started hanging up the gym equipment on the wall as decoration. Before we knew it, people were ordering their protein smoothies with Kahlua and I guess we’re a bar now. I wish things would go back to normal.”
Concerned citizen Phil Mayer has gathered hundreds of signatures in a petition against the new bars. “The other day I walked into my laundromat and found out it’s now The Laundromat. I stayed for a few hours and had a delicious Wash and Fold but where the hell am I going to do my laundry now?”
A serious incident occurred last week when an ambulance accidentally dropped off an injured person at The Hospital, a theme bar, where they were treated with karaoke and team trivia. Police have opened an investigation into allegations of the establishment operating without a medical license.
Correction: this article formerly referred to “The Bar” which was assumed to be an ironically “bar themed” bar but it is actually a pet grooming service and does not sell alcohol.